I Have a Partner

Look at this little cutie pie. I remember the exact moment I was given this doll. Her name was Baby Beth and I was her mommy. From early on I knew I would be a mama. I did NOT know I would be mothering alone. I am single mom and it's hard. (just putting that out there right away) I first wanted to write it sucks, but really....it doesn't. It does however feel beyond impossible at times, like when I'm forced to drag my fevered child on a bus shoving him past the driver fast enough so that the moment I remove the bag from his face is NOT the moment he throws up ON the driver. In moments like these, it's really uncool having to apologize, exit said bus, and then wait for the next one because he Really needs to see a Dr.(and if we are too late to the appointment we will be turned away and the trip out was worthless) I could give many fine examples on how being a single mama is difficult and how the role sometimes feels like a reality smack.  But I think I'll spare you the details.

                                        

Happy to report one thing, the sting from the smack is beginning to fad. This picture here to the left is me at the age of 12. Moments to myself were far and few in between growing up....(humm just like now...doing this mama job).

My whole life was about to change drastically (forever) right at this time in my life. I look at this picture and think of that hind sight is 20/20 saying. The 20/20 vision I see with now, wishes I could have had the knowledge and understanding to clearly scream at this lonely hurting girl -
"Brook - remember you are not alone, you are loved, you have purpose, lessons and successes that are unknown!" 



                                                                                                                   Ecclesiastics 11:5 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mothers womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. 


This precious child here is standing maybe 50 ft from the same spot in the back yard, where the above picture of his mama was taken. How was I to know I'd make a series of horrible choices, be placed into horrible situations that were out of my control and not know (horrible in it's own right) for most of the following 24? years that God's will was directing me in a story He had already written. It's a beautiful piece of writing, full of suspense, conflict, happy endings, warnings and even jam packed with clear instructions. The ending IS my favorite. All the chapters in front of the conclusion build upon the next. He's written a sort of love letter that has my name in the subtitle.
The title is reserved for Gods name!

The way I talk about myself is not how He talks about me. The areas I am hardest on myself, he is kind. When I say I'm not interested, He trips me over and over again in the same "boring" mud puddle. How patient He has been with me! I do have a partner in this parenting, one more available than any of you married folks can ever expect to see in the life here on Earth we live. I've done nothing to deserve this (keep this or lose this partnership).......it's all God's love and Grace on me.......and as for the boy over there to the left......I treasure this creature gift.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Yes, I've made mistakes, some so stupid no way would I share them here in this format. I don't feel punished, I'm not in trouble, I am forgiven. I am loved and through Him I am loving. This life (this new life) is still a mess. I am a hot mess technically. But I get to be one and know that I am safe, not abandoned, cared for, and blessed.



Do you know how rich I am? Do you know all the promises I have been promised?
1 Corinthians 2:9 "For no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived the wonderful things that God has prepared for those that love Him" 


See the has prepared? has been - past tense. That's good stuff right there friends!!

                                            Makes me just a little giddy too, little man

It's a real good thing we are wanted despite all of our differences. Yes, I am a single mama, I've been thoughtless and fierce, ignorant and memorable, dead wrong and way too silly, stubborn and meek, homeless, chased by a donkey and hurt myself arm wrestling, I've experienced thrill and absent mindedness, been too tired and wished, OH how I've wished I knew how to break dance. (it just looks so fun!)

God knows my desires, and from what I understand, he loves working those out for us....in His time, His will, His way.
Do I get to know what he has for me in this single parenting gig? Would it change anything if I did know? I like to think that God has me right where he wants me, right where he knows I need to be, and right where he's loving on me. I have faith that my desires are heard and honored.


       We're covered, we're good. We are not abandoned or unfavorable.

Totally Unrelated

HECK
It's been too long since my last post. Sorry fans, I have a J O B
now and well, I'm on my computer ALL DAY and I really don't
feel like being on here much in my free time.

I take pictures wherever I go (almost). So for this post I wanted
to take a break from sharing all my awesome insights (don't you
worry!) I'll still be sharing them with you.....just not here or now.
Come take a stroll with me through a few of my pictures. Some are old and some I took more recently. A few are so random I apologize if you don't understand. My eyes and heart see things you may not. Oh well.

MOIST

Gee, I don't know why people think the Pacific Northwest is sooo soggy? I happen to find moss pretty. I like picking at it as I wait for my sons bell to ring after school. Can't tell you how many bricks I have scrapped clean, or how many trees I've striped of this green soft stuff?

I've always been a "picker" or a "shredder" and this spongy growth on just about every surface gives me the perfect outlet to satisfy my needs.

MONKEY BOY TRESS

Every Tuesday night we go to Community Group. We meet to share our lives with and discuss the weeks sermon and to have intentional loving relationships with members of the church family.

Not my son. Tress runs downstairs and crams his body into this size 4T monkey costume and stays in it until its time to go home. The younger kids love it (and him) and my best guess is this suit lets him be who he is. A goof-ball true and through. I love how comfortable he is while at CG. I might need to find him a bigger monkey costume though.....

JESUS FACEPALM
Because even Jesus doesn't know what to say regarding your stupidity.
Okay, so my humors has gotten me into trouble before.....but come on! THIS IS FUNNY
Sometimes I swear I can actualy hear Jesus smack his forehead at the things I do and say.
Good thing I'm loved. (and you too)


HE LIKED IT

I have gone Gluten Free and feel so much better! after much research I have decided to try and transitions my child's gluten laden diet to less. Not a total GF life for him but where and when I can I will. He loved my GF Pizza. He even told his friends about it. In a "mama's cooking was gwood last night" kinda way!!!

ADVENTURES IN CRACKERS

No Gluten, sugar, leavenings, eggs or dairy make it tricky to bake. I figured out how to make crackers. Corn flour does NOT work. (ask my friend Laura) Oat flour made a weird chewy cracker. Bobs Red Mill all purpose GF baking flour (with a pinch of xanthan gum) ROCKS the crackers!!

The toppings are endless and seriously guys, they are awesome!

WHATS HIS FACE

Estimates of Seattle's homeless population put the numbers somewhere around 6,000-8,000 people; up to 1,000 are children and young adults.
Each of them have a name. I saw this on Broadway St. the other day and it made me pause. Have you been homeless?
I have. Someone who knows homelessness made this art.

NEEDS

This woman was franticly kissing pictures of Saints as she waited for her bus.
Mentaly ill? probably
Isolated? probably
Somebody's mother? probably
watches too much TV? probably
Is loved? probably
Have unmet needs? probably

As the two love birds sat unaware of her, I prayed for this photo kisser.

MOMS GLASSES

No I didn't buy them. Had to try them on though.
She wore really big glasses like this. Its a good look ya say? oh....whats that? I should have gotten them?
Forget about it.
Not only are the glasses horrendous, this clothing store (Forever XXI) is like trying to shop in too loud of a music - way over crammed - teeny booper melt down - "I'm not skinny enough" - long lines - bright lights - HELL
Maybe I should have bought the glasses after all?
We only went in there following a friend of ours. My poor child was in tears, so we waited outside in the cold rain, that was better.

FAMILY IS GOOD

Here's a sample of restoration.
Last summer for the first time in over 20 years I was in the same space as 2 of my brothers. I have 5 total.

I just love this picture and all the people in it.
I thank God for the work he's doing in and through our family. I still have hope that some day this group will grow and its original members will join in.

UM HUM

Gotta give it to him....it does look like a gun.

P-PATCH

This is a sweet picture I took in my sisters p-patch last year.

Just wanted to round out the violence from the above picture. I really don't care for guns and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop or change my boys interest in them.
Is it wrong to tell him I'd break both of his legs to prevent him from going into the army??

Ahhhh, Aren't these flowers sweet?
What a lovely picture isn't it?

GARDEN ESSENTIALS

Dirt? Check
Seeds? Check
Starter pots? Check
Fork? Check
Spoon? Check

SUNS IN OUR EYES

What a cool picture.
We really didn't get out much or go on road trips growing up. I do remember this day trip. My mom kept yelling at dad to stop the car so she could pick the wild flowers and dad refused because it was illegal. She sure whined loud and as soon as the car stopped she had us kids pick her some flowers. Must have been a hot day, don't remember the boys going shirtless very often.

WHO ME?

I was not a clown.

WHAT!!! How Did I NOT KNOW I was in the SAME CLASS as  ANNIE!!!

Yes, this one is all mine.
Like I said he is a goof-ball, true and through.
Monkey suit or no monkey suit.

Starving

Journal Entry 2/19/11 8:17am

First day ever fasting in my whole life. I might die. Stayed up really late reading this wonderful book Carla (sister in-law) mailed me. Shook me with conviction that what I need to do in my life is fast. 3 days. Today is Saturday, February 19th 2011. I'm praying for a hurting relationship between a brother and I to resolve, for forgiveness, direction in my life. God, where do you want me? I want to go, in fact-I will go, but where? I'm praying for my family, every one of them, not just the usual ones. I'm praying for my health, my sugar levels and energy. I pray for my friends that are deaf and blind and especially the ones who have out smarted you God. They are dead wrong and it breaks my heart. I pray for guidance in my parenting of Tress. I must shepherd his heart, how do I teach him, praise him, not lash out against him in my frustration. I want to build him up, encourage him, steer him away from traps and point him to You. I expect this day to be hard, not torturous I pray. I might die. I want my heart to be in search and worship of You. I don't do this as a punishment, I do this to free myself of anger and hurts. I'm so confused God. I love I'm knowing You, thank you for loving me, thank you for holding my hand, calling my name and never forsaking me. I think I might just die.

                          Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
                                         for they shall be filled  -Matthew 5:6 

Happy to report I did not die, But I was crushed.

In a fantastic "I hope to never go back there" again way.
So what I "thought" I'd get out of fasting.....God totally had his OWN ideas.

Go figure! We truly have a hilarious God my friends.

Day 1 day of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

I drank my water and poured my son a bowl of cereal.

Why did I try to pick out a piece of cereal and eat it 4 times!

that was weird......

I drank more water and the time came to make him lunch.

Ham and cheese sandwich, sliced apple and crackers.

This is where it got real weird for me.

I sliced the cheese and went to put it away in a container.

There was a slice that I somehow deemed "unworthy" of going into the container.

What do I do with it?! I have to eat it don't I?

It just doesn't look right with all the other perfectly sliced pieces.

His sandwich has enough already.....what do I do!?

I laid it on top of the other pieces and it just didn't look right.

I took the "unworthy" piece back out, held it between my fingers as if it were a bomb.

I panicked, silently to myself of course. (I knew I was out of control) 

I can't eat it, I can't throw it away and WASTE IT!

That cursed misfit piece of cheese turned me upside down.

Didn't take much.

Journal Entry 2:35 pm

This fasting is hard-not as hard as I thought or imagined. I never knew how much of my eating is done on auto pilot. It is so beautiful outside today, a bit chilly, but there's the crisp bright sunshine that makes the bricks golden. I suggested we go for a walk and he wanted to go up to the park. I freaked out! I can't go to the park without food! How would I survive?! wow, I didn't know I was tied to my house because that's where my "food" is. Interesting....

             Therefore do not worry, saying, "what shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?"

                   or "what shall we wear?"...For your heavenly Father knows that you

                                  need all these things. -Matthew 6:31-32

I put the parentheses around "food" in the journal.
Something to think about.
What did I mean by that?
Food...the kind that we put in our body's to stay alive?
Or food, the reading the bible, feeling Gods presence and prayer kind?
Knowing myself, It's a safe bet to assume I meant the first kind at the time I wrote it.
I wouldn't be hurt if you did the same.
However, this time of fasting has wonderfully taught me that the other food,
the latter "food"...
is yummier than the other.

Those of you that know me....really really know ME (Brook - a Burlando) might be
laughing out loud at that comment right there.
But it's so true!
These past few days and experiences I've been having with God, the closeness I feel with him right now, the answered prayers and hunger I have for Him, what I'm learning,
the crying out to Him and KNOWING that He's holding me...taste better than
any Olive Garden, Cheesecake Factory, moms cookin, rhubarb crisp, ice cream,
McDonald's french fry, or soft and warm snicker doodle I ever tasted!


How can I be so full and yet so starving at the same time?

Journal Entry 6:04pm

This is real exercise. I'm trying to not turn this into a "stubborn" challenge for me (I might die)...and remember why it is I'm fasting - the Bible says to fast, it doesn't suggest it to the really wise and ready. Good thing because I'm neither. Jesus fasted, Moses fasted, Daniel fasted, every major character in the Bible did, it saved their lives and the lives of others, Jesus didn't perform a single miracle healing until after he fasted for 40 days! Prayers were answered in huge ways, in sustainable ways. Their fasting time with the Lord strengthened their relationships, worship, dependence, and joy in Him. That's what I want, I want that bad. It's a discipline and sacrifice. I love God, I can give up food for Him and as I'm doing that, I get to rest in Him. Sounds perfect to me.

Blek! The water taste so nasty from the sink....how come I never tasted that before! Am I just now beginning to taste?

                              "We live by faith, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7

Funny how I've been drinking the tap water for 6 years and never tasted how bad it was.

In comparison to the rest of the country's tap water...or the worlds...Seattles is amongst the best I know - believe me, I know.

But I taste the something yucky in it now - that wasn't there before.

Funny how I also thought my relationship with God tasted just fine.

Not until I started starving for Him and eating His word did I learn just how

incredible He tastes.

I'll never go back to my plain, unseasoned, mundane diet of Christ.

Day 2 of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

Thankfully the fuzzy heavy headache of day 1 was gone.
Day 2 had a random list of body aliments. 
My feet were dragging concrete behind them.
My eyes felt like I smeared Vaseline in them. (I didn't)
My hearing was too sensitive, I couldn't bear others voices or the radio.
My eyes also kept leaking....I don't think I was crying?
My neck was stiff and sore down my back.
Other than that, I was feeling strong.

UNTIL

I went grocery shopping at Grocery Outlet.
That place is packed to the ceiling with what I like to call "crap food"
Tress will ask me for something like Oreo Cakesters and I say NO, It's Crap Food!"
fruitloops - crap food
pop tarts - crap food
bag of circus cookies - crap food
Slim Jims - crap food
I'm sure you get what I'm describing.

I know I was hungry, but not so hungry to justify what happened to me in that store.

The crap food was talking to me.

              "you know you want to eat me"
              "I'm not that bad for you"
              "buy me now for when you're done doing this fasting thing"
              "I might be crap food, but not really bad crap food like  __________ "
              "put me in your cart B r o o k, it'll be  o k a y"

I was trippin!

I had to close my eyes and pray right there 5 times to please stop
the food from talking to me in such dangerous and demeaning ways!
I had to catch my breath and put my crap food blinders on many times.
Don't know how the blinders kept slipping off!
It was hell. I hated everything about that store.
(kind of a bummer because I used to like it)

I came home beat up, ashamed and so embarrassed by my
obvious weak crap food constitution.
When did this happen to me?
When did my sick relationship with food start?
It's easy (too easy) to point my finger at my mom.
It's quite possible this sickness was then reinforced while growing up in foster care.
"Their" food wasn't mine.
I didn't get to make choices.
I wasn't taught nutrition.
I didn't always know when the next meal would be put in front of me.
I had to keep pushing my hurts down with something right?
Food works for that....works good in fact.
What a mess I am.
And THAT is what I prayed out to my God that night.
I'm so sorry for loving food more than I loved Him.
I prayed for Him to take that away for me.
It's work, I'm a work....and I'm worth it.

Journal Entry 2/21/11 12:35pm
Managed to get my dishes done. Since when did that pot become so heavy! My stomach growled today. It was a small low rumble kind of growl that took me quite by surprise. Curious it took 2 and 1/2 days for that to happen. I get so freaked out when I "think" I'm starving. I'll say things like, "I'm so hungry I can't even think!" and it's true, that's how it gets for me but for 2 and 1/2 days now I have not eaten and not once have I been unable to think.

 

                   "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than

                         your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:9

 

 

I sure was moving slow by the end of my 2nd day.

I was so happy to put my child to bed so I could climb into mine.

Once I was there I couldn't put my bible down.

I struggle with where to read...maybe because I'm just in the last year opening it.

I find it so helpful to sit quiet, ask myself how or where I need help.

I wait for a word or theme to come to me and then I look in the back.

Every time my word has been there or a close enough variance.

This night I wanted to look up "new."

So good, I'm tellin ya! You should look it up.

 

Day 3 of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

 

This day was so long and slow and full that I couldn't even journal.

I simply could not lift my pen. All I could do was read and pray.

And drink warm water with grated fresh ginger.

I can't tell you how my son was parented, or how we still made it on the bus

with 2 other little boys to bible study.

I was "somewhere else."

I remember looking forward to breaking my fast, but not ready to end the experience.

I read the Book of Daniel (I think in my 2nd day).

I prayed about how to end my fast but "not end it"

If that makes any sense?

 

I am now on the Daniel Fast.

Real simple it's a Strict Vegan diet minus all and any sugar/sweeteners.

That means no honey and agave.

I also deleted all gluten.

I only drink water. No tea, no juice, no nothin - but water.

What started as a 3 day fast, has turned into a 21 day fast.

I'm forever changed by this fasting.

Everyday I am seeing, hearing and feeling answered prayers!

I prayed for my brother to call me, he did.

I prayed for someones heart to soften.

This person called out of the blue just to say, "I love you

and I think you're a beautiful person."

I've known this person for 10+ years and NEVER have they EVER said anything like that.

I'm praying for a new friend and their addiction to alcohol and they "on their own"

called an outpatient treatment and is going to meet with them for intake in 2 days.

"On their own" is funny to me. God had something to do with that!

I prayed for a way home from bible study with 3 little boys and that ride has appeared.

I prayed for direction in where he wants me.

I maybe got a job tonight? It's short term and part time.

I asked and there it is.

That's how God rolls.

 

I'm totally starving right now.

 

 

The first picture I took 2/19

The second picture I took 2/27

 

 

This Just Sucks

4th and 5th graders + 26 boys and girls + Valentines Day = weirdness all around!

Yesterday, I spent a few hours with 25 of my sons’ classmates.
Observing these strange creatures at work within their framework of “playground politics” had me thinking about us. I’m talking about US as adults and our ability/inability to love right.
Love is a funny thing, it’s something we all need and desire, it’s something God commands us to do, and it’s something that is so confusing, misunderstood, misused and taken for granted. Love is spoken, shared, grown, expressed, denied, painful, free and/or costly, wonderful and/or tragic, withheld, and implied. The word love is mentioned in the NIV bible 508 times. Words such as ‘loves’ and ‘loved’ bring that number up to 697. (wiki.answers.com) so there’s defiantly something to be said about it right!

Here’s some of what WE say…

“I love peanut butter”
“I love the smell of the first rain after a dry season”
“I love this T.V. show”
“I love your hand bag”
“I love it when my laundry’s caught up”
“I love that color on you”
“I love Christmas lights”
“I love Trader Joes”

How often do we say such comments without realizing the emptiness and power we take away from such an awesome thing; LOVE. It’s something to think about anyways (for me at least). Has it simply become a habit of our culture to throw the word around depreciating loves value or do we really mean it? Does it happen everywhere, within all languages? Have we been doing this forever? Does it make anyone else cringe as it does me? Do I REALLY LOVE Trader Joes? Maybe……maybe I do! Maybe that’s okay too; I do love a good bargain! hehe. I have no definitive statement about our human tendencies to throw the word love around like popcorn; it’s just odd to me when I really give it thought. All this came about as I interacted with and observed the strange creatures of Rm. 102 and their Valentines Day treatment of others.

The classroom was rearranged and decorated for a pink, red, and heart themed party.
The class list was sent home on Friday with clear instructions to make a card for everyone and to bring a shoe box decorated to receive the valentines in. Added to the list were the class teachers, principle, vice principle, janitor, and secretaries (They ARE wonderful!). There also was a name I did not recognize so my son informed me he is the ‘cool kid in the wheelchair” that is brought into the classroom a few times a week so that he “has friends.”

Do you remember Valentines Day? I do. I remember my mom yelling at me because I wanted to add an extra o in the name Brook, like this--Broook. I thought it was way cooler to have 3 o’s and not just a boring 2 o’s. Anyone could see it was! But this made her so furious and so impatient with me. I remember in elementary school having NO CLUE what the “Be Mine” part of it all meant. I didn’t get all a twitter or nervous. I saw it as a perfect avenue to show off my excellent hand printing, mad crafting skills and how cool was it that I got to keep them ALL. All those shinny little cards with mini envelopes and stickers and glitter and sweet pictures. It was perfect I tell you.

That is NOT how it goes down now for 4th and 5th graders. It’s a mean popularity contest, a chance to exclude the kid that needs a belt (his butt IS always hanging out) a time to be bossy and ungrateful, a time to feel left out, ignored and unwanted. Here’s a bit of what I saw happening yesterday.

Before the teacher announced it time to hand out the cards, one kid lined up their valentines “on display” for all to walk by the desk and search for their name. The set up looked more like a shop actually. Instead of handing the cards out, the kid shouted over all the chatter each kids name in the order of best friend and then down the mental list of importance for them to “step up” and receive their card. The later ones to be called weren’t even handed theirs, they had to search for their name and take it off the table themselves. Honestly, I wanted to take this kid out of the classroom by their ear and “have a talking” on just how rude they were behaving, but I didn’t feel like getting my butt beat by their father, so I chose to instead say a prayer for that one.

Most of the girls only brought cards for their friends (other girls) which left the boys receiving a small handful of Star Wars valentines from their buddies. Three girls seem to hold the majority of the boys’ interest and were inundated with cards, candy and stinky pre-teen boys jostling for their attention. There was the group (albeit small) of boys and girls that had no ideal why their peers were acting so weird about it all and didn’t their friends even care that they were missing recess! (I was relieved to see my son still belonged to this group) And then there was the boy who hovered over the treat table and scarfed down 4 cupcakes and sucked down 3 Capri Suns before I signaled to the teacher to maybe go and let him know he’s had enough.

One kid filled his cards out so thoughtfully.
To: you
From: me
His classmates were not impressed.

Some kids didn’t have any to offer and looked so defeated when the teacher announced it time to hand them out. One kid ran around the room shouting out just how many they had and wanted to compare the numbers with the others only to rub it in every time that they had more. The absent peers’ valentines were either left all over the classroom because there was no shoe box with their name or they were tossed into the garbage can. That was too much for me to witness, so I did step in. I encouraged them take them out of the trash and start a pile for their absent friends. (Because that was the “nice thing’ to do, Holy Cow, did I really have to say that to them!!). And the notorious class bully felt bitter justice when they received not a single card. This kid came and sat down next to me and asked what I would do if somebody gave everyone else a card, but I didn’t get any. I looked intently at this overgrown 5th grader and answered, “My feelings would be hurt, I would have to ask myself why no one gave me any, I would see that the way I treat people matters and I would start treating others how I wanted to be treated.” The kid looks at me and says, “This just sucks”. I agreed that yes, it did suck, but that they could change that. An eye brow was suspiciously raised and the student walked away.

I left the classroom feeling all mixed up. Why are kids so mean? I’m so glad to not be all tangled up in those emotions and the need for validation. Valentines Day is stupid. Why do we do this to our kids, set them up to feel left out? Set them up to behave poorly to each other? Why do we have them believe passing out little commercial cards one day a year is how we tell someone we love them or even more importantly that we don’t love them? Bleh!

My son came home and told me that the “cool kid in the wheelchair” only got one card….from him….and how sad that was because “he’s really cool mama, and he’s a part of the class too! And he totally needs the cards more than anyone else ever did because most the kids just ignore him.”

I couldn’t agree more son.
(I love him) and reminded him how perfect Gods love for us is. Thank God.

Here I Go

Writing a blog has been no random, impulsive act on my part.
I’ve spent hours “researching” how to best blog. (whatever that means)
I’m frequently asked, “Sooo how’s the blog coming along?”
To get the full effect of this question, read it real slow.
You see, it’s just that me and blogging feels quite complicated.
For at least a year I have wrestled with the idea.

Here are a few of the reasons behind “the wrestle”…

• I can’t have all my business out there for just anyone to see!
• It’s not the right time.
• So and so would be upset to see I’m writing about them.
• How do I write about truth when the truth is still actively being hidden?
• No one would want to read it, why bother?
• I’m way too private of a person.
• I have nothing important to share.
• I’m too new in my walk with God; I’ll come across as silly.
• Why share my inner thinkings when I don’t fully understand them myself?
• I’m not brave enough.
• I’ll run out of things to share.

I didn’t number my reasons in this list, so to be nice-I’ve counted for you.
There are 11.
Of these 11 reasons for not (more like putting off) blogging…

6 – are downright hilarious if you knew me
5 – I REALLY don’t care (anymore)
7 – simply aren’t true
5 – I still wrestle with
1 – is 100% bound to happen
7 ½ - I’m willing to risk
5 – I REALLY don’t care (this one is worth repeating)

See here’s some of what motivates me…

My complete desire to pour my faith into God
Being a voice others resonate with
Every day being and expressing gratitude
Being vulnerable because then I am being real
Truth being spoken
Seeing the lessons in my face plants (there are many)

Wow, I almost sound perfect by this list!
As I start opening up through writing you will be privy to my struggles, heartaches, sense of humor, random distracting thoughts, celebrations, and mundane rants. You may very well forget that short list I just wrote out about what motivates me and that’s alright, because the list is more for me than you anyways.
All of my reasons behind “the wrestle” are clearly excuses.
Some will clearly induce “tricky feelings” and possible adult tantrums and I’m sure I’ll hear about them….but that’s alright too. I’m not out to harm, damage or upset anyone. I’ve got tons to share and a gazillion to learn.
Get to know me.
I invite you.
I dare you even.