Starving

Journal Entry 2/19/11 8:17am

First day ever fasting in my whole life. I might die. Stayed up really late reading this wonderful book Carla (sister in-law) mailed me. Shook me with conviction that what I need to do in my life is fast. 3 days. Today is Saturday, February 19th 2011. I'm praying for a hurting relationship between a brother and I to resolve, for forgiveness, direction in my life. God, where do you want me? I want to go, in fact-I will go, but where? I'm praying for my family, every one of them, not just the usual ones. I'm praying for my health, my sugar levels and energy. I pray for my friends that are deaf and blind and especially the ones who have out smarted you God. They are dead wrong and it breaks my heart. I pray for guidance in my parenting of Tress. I must shepherd his heart, how do I teach him, praise him, not lash out against him in my frustration. I want to build him up, encourage him, steer him away from traps and point him to You. I expect this day to be hard, not torturous I pray. I might die. I want my heart to be in search and worship of You. I don't do this as a punishment, I do this to free myself of anger and hurts. I'm so confused God. I love I'm knowing You, thank you for loving me, thank you for holding my hand, calling my name and never forsaking me. I think I might just die.

                          Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
                                         for they shall be filled  -Matthew 5:6 

Happy to report I did not die, But I was crushed.

In a fantastic "I hope to never go back there" again way.
So what I "thought" I'd get out of fasting.....God totally had his OWN ideas.

Go figure! We truly have a hilarious God my friends.

Day 1 day of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

I drank my water and poured my son a bowl of cereal.

Why did I try to pick out a piece of cereal and eat it 4 times!

that was weird......

I drank more water and the time came to make him lunch.

Ham and cheese sandwich, sliced apple and crackers.

This is where it got real weird for me.

I sliced the cheese and went to put it away in a container.

There was a slice that I somehow deemed "unworthy" of going into the container.

What do I do with it?! I have to eat it don't I?

It just doesn't look right with all the other perfectly sliced pieces.

His sandwich has enough already.....what do I do!?

I laid it on top of the other pieces and it just didn't look right.

I took the "unworthy" piece back out, held it between my fingers as if it were a bomb.

I panicked, silently to myself of course. (I knew I was out of control) 

I can't eat it, I can't throw it away and WASTE IT!

That cursed misfit piece of cheese turned me upside down.

Didn't take much.

Journal Entry 2:35 pm

This fasting is hard-not as hard as I thought or imagined. I never knew how much of my eating is done on auto pilot. It is so beautiful outside today, a bit chilly, but there's the crisp bright sunshine that makes the bricks golden. I suggested we go for a walk and he wanted to go up to the park. I freaked out! I can't go to the park without food! How would I survive?! wow, I didn't know I was tied to my house because that's where my "food" is. Interesting....

             Therefore do not worry, saying, "what shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?"

                   or "what shall we wear?"...For your heavenly Father knows that you

                                  need all these things. -Matthew 6:31-32

I put the parentheses around "food" in the journal.
Something to think about.
What did I mean by that?
Food...the kind that we put in our body's to stay alive?
Or food, the reading the bible, feeling Gods presence and prayer kind?
Knowing myself, It's a safe bet to assume I meant the first kind at the time I wrote it.
I wouldn't be hurt if you did the same.
However, this time of fasting has wonderfully taught me that the other food,
the latter "food"...
is yummier than the other.

Those of you that know me....really really know ME (Brook - a Burlando) might be
laughing out loud at that comment right there.
But it's so true!
These past few days and experiences I've been having with God, the closeness I feel with him right now, the answered prayers and hunger I have for Him, what I'm learning,
the crying out to Him and KNOWING that He's holding me...taste better than
any Olive Garden, Cheesecake Factory, moms cookin, rhubarb crisp, ice cream,
McDonald's french fry, or soft and warm snicker doodle I ever tasted!


How can I be so full and yet so starving at the same time?

Journal Entry 6:04pm

This is real exercise. I'm trying to not turn this into a "stubborn" challenge for me (I might die)...and remember why it is I'm fasting - the Bible says to fast, it doesn't suggest it to the really wise and ready. Good thing because I'm neither. Jesus fasted, Moses fasted, Daniel fasted, every major character in the Bible did, it saved their lives and the lives of others, Jesus didn't perform a single miracle healing until after he fasted for 40 days! Prayers were answered in huge ways, in sustainable ways. Their fasting time with the Lord strengthened their relationships, worship, dependence, and joy in Him. That's what I want, I want that bad. It's a discipline and sacrifice. I love God, I can give up food for Him and as I'm doing that, I get to rest in Him. Sounds perfect to me.

Blek! The water taste so nasty from the sink....how come I never tasted that before! Am I just now beginning to taste?

                              "We live by faith, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7

Funny how I've been drinking the tap water for 6 years and never tasted how bad it was.

In comparison to the rest of the country's tap water...or the worlds...Seattles is amongst the best I know - believe me, I know.

But I taste the something yucky in it now - that wasn't there before.

Funny how I also thought my relationship with God tasted just fine.

Not until I started starving for Him and eating His word did I learn just how

incredible He tastes.

I'll never go back to my plain, unseasoned, mundane diet of Christ.

Day 2 of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

Thankfully the fuzzy heavy headache of day 1 was gone.
Day 2 had a random list of body aliments. 
My feet were dragging concrete behind them.
My eyes felt like I smeared Vaseline in them. (I didn't)
My hearing was too sensitive, I couldn't bear others voices or the radio.
My eyes also kept leaking....I don't think I was crying?
My neck was stiff and sore down my back.
Other than that, I was feeling strong.

UNTIL

I went grocery shopping at Grocery Outlet.
That place is packed to the ceiling with what I like to call "crap food"
Tress will ask me for something like Oreo Cakesters and I say NO, It's Crap Food!"
fruitloops - crap food
pop tarts - crap food
bag of circus cookies - crap food
Slim Jims - crap food
I'm sure you get what I'm describing.

I know I was hungry, but not so hungry to justify what happened to me in that store.

The crap food was talking to me.

              "you know you want to eat me"
              "I'm not that bad for you"
              "buy me now for when you're done doing this fasting thing"
              "I might be crap food, but not really bad crap food like  __________ "
              "put me in your cart B r o o k, it'll be  o k a y"

I was trippin!

I had to close my eyes and pray right there 5 times to please stop
the food from talking to me in such dangerous and demeaning ways!
I had to catch my breath and put my crap food blinders on many times.
Don't know how the blinders kept slipping off!
It was hell. I hated everything about that store.
(kind of a bummer because I used to like it)

I came home beat up, ashamed and so embarrassed by my
obvious weak crap food constitution.
When did this happen to me?
When did my sick relationship with food start?
It's easy (too easy) to point my finger at my mom.
It's quite possible this sickness was then reinforced while growing up in foster care.
"Their" food wasn't mine.
I didn't get to make choices.
I wasn't taught nutrition.
I didn't always know when the next meal would be put in front of me.
I had to keep pushing my hurts down with something right?
Food works for that....works good in fact.
What a mess I am.
And THAT is what I prayed out to my God that night.
I'm so sorry for loving food more than I loved Him.
I prayed for Him to take that away for me.
It's work, I'm a work....and I'm worth it.

Journal Entry 2/21/11 12:35pm
Managed to get my dishes done. Since when did that pot become so heavy! My stomach growled today. It was a small low rumble kind of growl that took me quite by surprise. Curious it took 2 and 1/2 days for that to happen. I get so freaked out when I "think" I'm starving. I'll say things like, "I'm so hungry I can't even think!" and it's true, that's how it gets for me but for 2 and 1/2 days now I have not eaten and not once have I been unable to think.

 

                   "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than

                         your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:9

 

 

I sure was moving slow by the end of my 2nd day.

I was so happy to put my child to bed so I could climb into mine.

Once I was there I couldn't put my bible down.

I struggle with where to read...maybe because I'm just in the last year opening it.

I find it so helpful to sit quiet, ask myself how or where I need help.

I wait for a word or theme to come to me and then I look in the back.

Every time my word has been there or a close enough variance.

This night I wanted to look up "new."

So good, I'm tellin ya! You should look it up.

 

Day 3 of my 3 day water fast was horrible!

 

This day was so long and slow and full that I couldn't even journal.

I simply could not lift my pen. All I could do was read and pray.

And drink warm water with grated fresh ginger.

I can't tell you how my son was parented, or how we still made it on the bus

with 2 other little boys to bible study.

I was "somewhere else."

I remember looking forward to breaking my fast, but not ready to end the experience.

I read the Book of Daniel (I think in my 2nd day).

I prayed about how to end my fast but "not end it"

If that makes any sense?

 

I am now on the Daniel Fast.

Real simple it's a Strict Vegan diet minus all and any sugar/sweeteners.

That means no honey and agave.

I also deleted all gluten.

I only drink water. No tea, no juice, no nothin - but water.

What started as a 3 day fast, has turned into a 21 day fast.

I'm forever changed by this fasting.

Everyday I am seeing, hearing and feeling answered prayers!

I prayed for my brother to call me, he did.

I prayed for someones heart to soften.

This person called out of the blue just to say, "I love you

and I think you're a beautiful person."

I've known this person for 10+ years and NEVER have they EVER said anything like that.

I'm praying for a new friend and their addiction to alcohol and they "on their own"

called an outpatient treatment and is going to meet with them for intake in 2 days.

"On their own" is funny to me. God had something to do with that!

I prayed for a way home from bible study with 3 little boys and that ride has appeared.

I prayed for direction in where he wants me.

I maybe got a job tonight? It's short term and part time.

I asked and there it is.

That's how God rolls.

 

I'm totally starving right now.

 

 

The first picture I took 2/19

The second picture I took 2/27